With open wounds and a heavy heart, I walk alone

Every year, we all see countless posts on Facebook and other social media about the whole “New Year, New Me” thing. Honestly, I have mixed emotions about that. On one side of the argument, I believe a new year is actually a good time to make a change. It doesn’t have to be anything major, it can be anything. If you change a single thing in your daily routine and stick to the change, you’ve gotten much further than most people ever do or will at doing this. On the other side, it irritates me to see those people who claim they will make this change, typically one that is much more drastic than necessary to get some attention, and stick to it for 5 days or whatever.

Excuse me for my rant, but I state this with reasoning. For me, this is something I am being forced to do. This is the first year that I am living completely alone, in a town I moved to while doing both work and school full time. I came here with a someone who was important to me and to say the least, things turned out for the worse and I’m on my own in this adventure now. That is a story I’ll save for another day. But this year, I have to commit to a lot just to make it by and it will be hard, but I think it will make a stronger, better version of me in the end. I can handle the money situation,  I am getting better about dealing with my stress and am finally learning to prioritize my life a bit more orderly. The part I struggle to excel at is the ability to keep myself happy. I can honestly say that I find myself being at my happiest, when I know I am making a friend or loved one of any sort or even an acquaintance, smile or feel any form of relief. I have always lived my life with the idea that I enjoy to make others smile or feel good. I feel joy when I bring others joy. It’s nice to feel helpful. I had spent over 4 years of my life emotionally attached to an individual and can honestly say that adapting to not having that in my life is the most difficult thing I have ever come to do. I have had friends and family here to support me the whole way and without them, I would truly be lost. I have found myself thriving off of the company of music and writing, almost every day.

Music has always played a huge role in my life and nothing will ever change that. In emotional times, it only amplifies the effect it plays on me. I am a lover of all things music, so long as it is not this new pop country stuff that is all over the radio these last couple years. I prioritize my love for heavy metal above all, but I truly do listen to anything and am open to all recommendations of music. I am always down for a little electronic music, violin, and even rap on my odd days. I appreciate music for the sound, the lyrics and the message. As for writing, it has always been a hobby of mine that I have loved. I use it to pour my emotions out on paper. I have written journals, poems, lyrics and so much more over the years. Lost a ton, saved a ton, shared some and even have stuff some people never know or will know I have written. Once I start pouring out my mind, if the day and mood is just right, it is like I could type or write out how I feel in far more detail that I could ever say verbally. Speaking of which, I apologize for the novel I have left you to read to this point. This is the sign that I should finish off this post.

From here on out, I will try and keep these posts less about my life directly and more about my mind. I feel as though it is important to let my readers know a bit about me before they start taking in the madness that flows through this head on a typical day. My point to all of this is that chane is good. It may not always be a change you want to make or need to make, but if you are going to make any change in your life, make sure you focus on how it benefits you and will create you a strong version of who you are. The road won’t always be smooth, but so long as you don’t tell yourself you can’t do it, you can. Good night to all. Enjoy the rest of the weekend and stay safe if you are going out.

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