My Own Worst Enemy

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I am sure we can all admit that nearly every time in our lives that something goes wrong and we end up hurt or in pain, we never can accept the true cause of the incident. Over the span of what I can recall of my 22 years and a couple months spent on this Earth, I can imagine there have only been a handful of occasions in which a friend or a loved one has done me wrong and without a thought, I blame them. It is not in my blood to make someone feel any worse than they already do, especially if the harm caused was unintentional. If a friend of mine broke one of my dearest possessions, I am certain that after the first few hours or days of mourning over the damage, I would not hold such a thing against them. I would forgive, forget and somehow, in the end, find a way to blame me more than he or she that caused the damage. On the complete other end of the spectrum, I can lie to myself in extremely large doses. When I am the one causing my own pain, like most other people would do, I will pour the blame out on someone else or other people, to make me feel like I am not the reason for my own disappointment. As human beings, this is a flaw we will all have to deal with much more than a single time in our lives. It is times like these that the whole “Stay strong and pull through” speeches that we heard countless growing up must come into play.

We all cope with the pain and overcome our slumps in different ways. As most of you may know by know, I can turn to things such as writing, like I am making use of at this very moment, a few hours on my computer, being around my friends or simply escaping to my musical wonderland. I am often finding that I receive my epiphany-like realizations due to the smallest and strangest things and hate to admit that I am in search of one as I type. Just earlier this year, after a long process of blaming other people and myself in equal amounts, I was able to overcome what I would consider the worst personal state I had been in my life, by far. It all began with my breakup and it took me months to realize, it wasn’t the breakup causing me to be upset anymore. I was not allowing myself to move on mentally or emotionally in my life and that was creating borders in countless places in my life, limiting what social interaction I would allow myself and even causing me to create such high standards to be happy with my daily life, that it was simply unobtainable. Honestly, I woke up one morning around mid-January and it hit me: I was so tired of telling everyone I knew the same sob story of the last 6 months of my life and could not stand the feeling of waking up and expecting my day to be just as bad, if not worse than the day before. I said to myself that from this moment, I had to change. I was going to begin to find a way to make each day better than the last, whether it be even in the slightest way. Two months later, sometime in March, I was able to admit to myself that I was happier with myself and was feeling more confident and motivated than I had felt in years and it was one of the most refreshing feelings in the world to be able to say those words to my friends. As someone who is always finding a way to throw myself under the bus over my looks and always comparing myself to other people who were doing better than me, this was a huge step in beginning what I would like to consider a new life.

With all this positivity being laid out there, I believe it is time that I move on to why this post began in the first place. 7 days ago, I met a new friend. A female. Her name not relevant, her relationship to me at this moment is not even relevant. The story of that day is what sparked this whole last week’s worth of situations and possibilities running through my mind and it all happened on a simple, little date of coffee and chat. At this time, she was 80% a stranger to me. We got off on a tangent about school and her years spent at her university and how much she enjoyed some of her classes and working a job on the campus while attending school. She asked me about my major and how school was going for me. Now at this point, many people are familiar with the fact that my last year’s worth of school has been quite a train wreck due to personal issues that I was creating for myself. I told her about this and how I have begun to consider changing my major and for the first time ever, the first response to me saying that wasn’t “What to?”. Instead, she asked me why and continued to ask for more details before asking me what I was wanting to change it to. It was at this moment, I realized how unhappy I was with my choices involving my education. I am dying to change my major and had been forcing myself to attend classes and spend countless hours on homework, studying for tests and listening to lectures for things that I basically have zero interest. A mere stranger was able to bring out the words I needed to hear myself say in order to commit to continuing this journey of creating a better, happier me. I believe by doing this, I can find the motivating to get myself back on track and create healthier habits for myself. I am constantly finding myself wide awake until 2-3am and falling asleep even hours after that,

Now, changes are coming at me in a multitude of ways all at once and I am prepared for this. As for the meeting I have scheduled to discuss my possible majors and getting that changed, I am all sorts of nervous and anxious. But beside that, I have committed to signing a lease to live in a house with two friends who have been nothing but good to me and I look forward to making a bond with both of them that I hope never fades. My near future is showing a lot of promises of changes that will do me nothing but good, besides the anxiety and panic attacks they will provide me. I always am encouraging those closest to me that it is impossible to be your happiest without first stepping out of your comfort zone and taking a little risk to achieve your goals. For once in my life, I believe it is time that I take my own advice for once. Keep your chin up Cody, it is a long road ahead. So far, this new life I see ahead of me is looking hopeful for the first time in quite a while.

 

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