It’s been a while..

So, it’s safe to say that I am long overdue for a blog post, an update, some attempt at being influential or venting. To be honest, I’ve been dealing with a lot of changes in my life and I have been just overwhelmed with it all and keep telling myself “Tonight, I’ll write” and then I get exhausted and pass out before ever getting to it. To be honest, most of these changes are purely good and I’m enjoying them. It is just all so unusual to me and I’ve kept myself so busy that I haven’t been entirely sure of how to take it all. 

Today, I woke up after a long, full night of sleep. I worked my ass off for a couple hours on a project me and a good buddy are working on in my garage. After all of that, eatting, cleaning up, I realized that I am forming new habits and my old hobbies are not seeming to satisfy me or entertain me quite the same. I used to coop up in my room for hours and game on. Don’t get me wrong, I still love gaming and the friends and experiences it has brought me. That won’t ever change. But I am finding myself around my friends much more, being more social and less anxious about every-day life than I was living on my own. I feel healthier, happier. Yeah, I still am an emotional and mental wreck some days, but I am human and believe that’s just natural and I am always wanting just a little more than I can have. But don’t we all? 

I had to pick up a few supplies for the project and it was a beautiful day out so I decided to get out of the house and pick them up. On the way home, I decided to come here by the river and finally get to blogging again. I was just telling a new friend of mine last night about my relief I find in writing and the love I have for it. I realized how much I missed it. Starting soon, I am hoping to write more and possibly read. Also, I plan on eatting slightly healthier and possibly getting to the gym here and there. I have start a path of change that is bettering me and I believe it is entirely up to me to keep moving in the right direction. 

For the first time in years, I am looking forward to school starting back up. Having this summer of no school and all work, knowing I’m going back to work towards my new major, has really got my mind in what I believe is the right mentality to finally be the student I have wanted to be since day one of college. I don’t know that I will ever be able to Thank my friends that have been around me and supporting me the last couple months more than ever for everything they have helped me through and helping me shape up. My best friend here in Cape and I have been getting closer and closer by the day and seeing him finally shining with happiness every day is plenty enough to keep my chin up most days. Thank you all, I’ll speak here again really soon. I promise. 

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My Own Worst Enemy

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I am sure we can all admit that nearly every time in our lives that something goes wrong and we end up hurt or in pain, we never can accept the true cause of the incident. Over the span of what I can recall of my 22 years and a couple months spent on this Earth, I can imagine there have only been a handful of occasions in which a friend or a loved one has done me wrong and without a thought, I blame them. It is not in my blood to make someone feel any worse than they already do, especially if the harm caused was unintentional. If a friend of mine broke one of my dearest possessions, I am certain that after the first few hours or days of mourning over the damage, I would not hold such a thing against them. I would forgive, forget and somehow, in the end, find a way to blame me more than he or she that caused the damage. On the complete other end of the spectrum, I can lie to myself in extremely large doses. When I am the one causing my own pain, like most other people would do, I will pour the blame out on someone else or other people, to make me feel like I am not the reason for my own disappointment. As human beings, this is a flaw we will all have to deal with much more than a single time in our lives. It is times like these that the whole “Stay strong and pull through” speeches that we heard countless growing up must come into play.

We all cope with the pain and overcome our slumps in different ways. As most of you may know by know, I can turn to things such as writing, like I am making use of at this very moment, a few hours on my computer, being around my friends or simply escaping to my musical wonderland. I am often finding that I receive my epiphany-like realizations due to the smallest and strangest things and hate to admit that I am in search of one as I type. Just earlier this year, after a long process of blaming other people and myself in equal amounts, I was able to overcome what I would consider the worst personal state I had been in my life, by far. It all began with my breakup and it took me months to realize, it wasn’t the breakup causing me to be upset anymore. I was not allowing myself to move on mentally or emotionally in my life and that was creating borders in countless places in my life, limiting what social interaction I would allow myself and even causing me to create such high standards to be happy with my daily life, that it was simply unobtainable. Honestly, I woke up one morning around mid-January and it hit me: I was so tired of telling everyone I knew the same sob story of the last 6 months of my life and could not stand the feeling of waking up and expecting my day to be just as bad, if not worse than the day before. I said to myself that from this moment, I had to change. I was going to begin to find a way to make each day better than the last, whether it be even in the slightest way. Two months later, sometime in March, I was able to admit to myself that I was happier with myself and was feeling more confident and motivated than I had felt in years and it was one of the most refreshing feelings in the world to be able to say those words to my friends. As someone who is always finding a way to throw myself under the bus over my looks and always comparing myself to other people who were doing better than me, this was a huge step in beginning what I would like to consider a new life.

With all this positivity being laid out there, I believe it is time that I move on to why this post began in the first place. 7 days ago, I met a new friend. A female. Her name not relevant, her relationship to me at this moment is not even relevant. The story of that day is what sparked this whole last week’s worth of situations and possibilities running through my mind and it all happened on a simple, little date of coffee and chat. At this time, she was 80% a stranger to me. We got off on a tangent about school and her years spent at her university and how much she enjoyed some of her classes and working a job on the campus while attending school. She asked me about my major and how school was going for me. Now at this point, many people are familiar with the fact that my last year’s worth of school has been quite a train wreck due to personal issues that I was creating for myself. I told her about this and how I have begun to consider changing my major and for the first time ever, the first response to me saying that wasn’t “What to?”. Instead, she asked me why and continued to ask for more details before asking me what I was wanting to change it to. It was at this moment, I realized how unhappy I was with my choices involving my education. I am dying to change my major and had been forcing myself to attend classes and spend countless hours on homework, studying for tests and listening to lectures for things that I basically have zero interest. A mere stranger was able to bring out the words I needed to hear myself say in order to commit to continuing this journey of creating a better, happier me. I believe by doing this, I can find the motivating to get myself back on track and create healthier habits for myself. I am constantly finding myself wide awake until 2-3am and falling asleep even hours after that,

Now, changes are coming at me in a multitude of ways all at once and I am prepared for this. As for the meeting I have scheduled to discuss my possible majors and getting that changed, I am all sorts of nervous and anxious. But beside that, I have committed to signing a lease to live in a house with two friends who have been nothing but good to me and I look forward to making a bond with both of them that I hope never fades. My near future is showing a lot of promises of changes that will do me nothing but good, besides the anxiety and panic attacks they will provide me. I always am encouraging those closest to me that it is impossible to be your happiest without first stepping out of your comfort zone and taking a little risk to achieve your goals. For once in my life, I believe it is time that I take my own advice for once. Keep your chin up Cody, it is a long road ahead. So far, this new life I see ahead of me is looking hopeful for the first time in quite a while.

 

INSOMNIA

​I dread these long, endless

Nights spent alone beside my thoughts. 

Sleep is not easily attainable until I 

Overcome my past, my pains, my fears.

Mental scars and even more, leaving

No part of me, mind or body, unharmed.

I am in search of a smile, any happiness

And yet I have very little reason for either.

The Letter M

Over the last few days, I have continuously found myself linking things of significant importance to me to the letter M. This all started when I was discussing my many tattoo ideas with an artsy friend of mine. I have a couple that I want, but I first I have to step up and get my first one. For almost 2 years now, I have planned on getting a tattoo and have made a dozen excuses or didn’t have the money. The tattoo is going to be the image at the beginning of this post: the Metallica M. This tattoo signifies many things in my life that I never want to let go of:

  1. M is for Moreland, my last name. My family. Like every family, we are not perfect. We have our hiccups, our ups and downs. After all, we are all human beings. But from my great grandparents, who were like my second set of parents, all the way to my parents and my cousins and all generation between, I couldn’t begin to thank them for everything they have done for me. I love my family. Every single one of them. Direct blood or not, they mean the world to me. 
  2. M is for Music. I have said it before and will say it one hundred times more before my writing days are over: Music completes me. When the company of family and friends can’t make things better, music has always been there for me. The rhythm and the words, they are moving. Each song is like a new story. It can be my classic boys like Metallica or Pantera, all the way to modern day electronic. It all gets to me and I love every second of it. I praise and preach music like a religion and I don’t think that will ever change. 
  3. M is for Mopey. Call it silly if you want, but Mopey is a form of nickname I have acquired in my lifetime. Since he could walk, much like myself, my father grew up in a bowling alley. Over the years, he acquired the name Mopey. It has stuck with him for decades now. So when he had a son, it was only right that he become Mope Jr or Little Mope. As time went own, his name has passed down to me and I love to think I can make him proud. Like most people would say, my parents are legends to me. I like to think my dad has begun a legacy and I am the prodigy meant to continue his story. If I have a son, he would do the same. Nickname or not, they don’t call me Mopey for nothing. 
  4. M is for Metallica. Now this one has multiple meaning and I’ll start with the reason I ever began to listen Metallica. When I was young, my older cousin was in the best friends I ever could’ve asked for growing up. He was like a brother to me. His father (my uncle), passed away at a young age. The last holiday we celebrated as a family when he was with us was Valentine’s day or Easter, I believe. As a gift from my uncle, me and my cousin received The Black Album by Metallica. This was the beginning of my love for the band and explains half of why the band means so much to me. The second half only happened last year, in August. My father, like myself, went to concerts growing up any time he had the money and the chance. He loves music as well. One band he had never seen was Metallica. We found out they would be playing in Minnesota and I didn’t even give him many details or know ticket prices before he said “Buy them!”. We had to drive 10 hours, got to stay in the Mall of America and share the experience of seeing Metallica for the first time together. It was the most memorable night of my life to this date and I am looking forward to seeing them not once, but two more times this year! 

Before seeing the Metallica shows on June 4th and 11th of this year, I will commit to getting this M tattoo on my right shoulder. I hope this has been a bit informative to you all when it comes to knowing me more as a person. Everyone in this world has something, a word or a name, a phrase or a title that they may be proud of. For me, it is but one letter. The letter M. 

My smile is but a mask. It hides the mess I truly am. 

It’s currently 3:14 AM and I can’t help but notice what has been on my mind this entire last hour. I’ve begun to realize that every morning when I wake up, I have been asking myself “What will go wrong today?”. Now, I don’t know about you all, but I think that’s quite a terrible thing to think. It goes to show how negative I am and how little I believe that I can have a simple, decent day. I somehow wake up and by default, expect someone or something to upset me. If I ever want to boost my confidence or find any kind of happiness in myself, I need to find a way to vary that question. I need to be able to wake up and ask myself “What can I do to make today better than yesterday?”. If I don’t believe something good is going to ever happen, I will never be happy. I can’t expect things to be handed to me. I need to work towards happiness, it won’t simply be handed to me by waiting around. I hope I figure things out soon.. 

Shattered Glass: Turning Something Broken into Something Beautiful

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Growing up, my sister always had a thing for art and my recent bonding with her is one of the couple of things that inspired the title of this post. Most importantly, it is a reference to my new outlook on my own life. Over the last seven months, I have honestly made little recovery from my emotional and mental scars that were brought upon me so unexpectedly. The one word I would use to best describe this time period of my life is broken. I feel as though there are many areas in my life that have shattered to pieces and I am struggling to even begin picking up the mess. I have decided that it is time that I begin to take what pieces I have gathered so far and begin to turn them into a unique piece of art. I want to begin to shape my life into something more exquisite than before, something unique, something I am proud of.

I want to start with the one topic I am not sure I will ever be capable of making a blog post and not mentioning: my friends and loved ones. These last couple of weeks, I have felt closer to more of my friends than I have in a long time. Everyone has been there for me and I am doing all I can to return the favor. They are most of the reason I am the person that I am today. From the bottom of my heart, I can say that I have had a few days in this last month or so that have been some of my lowest ones yet. I feel as though I am sometimes doing a bad thing when I bottle my emotions in from my friends, but I do it because I don’t feel good about flooding the same people with the same stories and  complaints that I have been for months. The least I can do is be more honest with you all and do my best to make a change. If the things I have to blame my unhappiness on are always the same, that proves that I am not dong my best at making the necessary changes. After all everyone has done for me, the least I can do is face my fear of making changes and begin to shape a future for myself.

No matter how poorly a day is going for me, something as small as receiving a text saying “Hey” or even a getting a random Snapchat can seriously instantly wipe the frown of my face. My contact with my friends is a huge reason I am becoming more and more determined to clean up this mess I am in. They make me not only want to be happy so they can see me be happy, but to truly be happy with myself. In the last two weeks, there are a few individuals whom have brought me a lot of self peace. One of them is often my late night, heart-to-heart buddy that I haven’t known extremely long, but I feel like I can tell him anything. We share thoughts and songs for hours, whether it be on games our through text. Another is a friend whom I may never get to meet in my life, but has been nothing but sweet to me and is wonderful human being. She recently opened my eyes to a band I would have otherwise never have considered listening to until she recommended them to me and turns out I enjoy a lot of their songs. The last notable one is a new acquaintance whom is a new gaming buddy of mine. Within minutes of talking, I discovered she is almost an exact replica of me, but female! It’s a friendship I am excited to see mold into something great! It is the little things like these that seriously make me the happiest. Now, don’t for a second think these are the only 3 important friends. I don’t have enough time to possibly name all of my friends and why they mean so much to me. But to all of my friends: whether you are by my side, back home or even on another continent, I love you all and appreciate everything about each and every one of you.

Now I knew going into this that being such an emotional person, who spends every waking moment thinking, that the recovery and reconstruction stages were not going to be a walk in the park for me. I have decided that I am going to begin repairing my scars one at a time, tackling the little ones first. If I want to win this war, I must first tackle the small battles. For starters, before I moved to Cape, there were two things I did every week that brought me a sense of comfort and relaxation, while also giving me a temporary break from reality. Those things were running and bowling. I never ran competitively or for health reasons. I purely ran because I can listen to music while feeling free and being able to enjoy the surrounding nature and set personal goals and tackle them. Walking back in to your home after a good run is such a satisfying feeling and I miss that sense of accomplishment. Bowling is a whole different story. I bowled from the age of 5 until last year when I moved to Cape. That was something I did for many reasons. I bowled for fun, I bowled competitively and I would do anything I could back home to support the sport and promote my local bowling alley, which was like my second home. When I first moved here, I always said it was too expensive to bowl all the time. With the budget I was on at the time, that was the truth to be honest. I am now at a comfortable point in my life where I can afford to do this again and would love to do so. As of next week, I would like to set two small goals for myself and that is where I shall start. Every week or two, I was to be sure to get a few games of bowling under my belt and get back out on the lanes. Maybe I can use this as an opportunity to meet new people in an environment that I am comfortable. I am also looking to get a decent run or two in every week. There will always be more things that I need to work on, but I have to start somewhere. I have always been able to provide advice to my friends about tackling difficult tasks and for once, I need to apply this advice to myself or practice what I preach. Now, I think it is time I end this post while I am ahead and quit procrastinating on this calculus homework.

Good morning to all. Have a wonderful day!

With open wounds and a heavy heart, I walk alone

Every year, we all see countless posts on Facebook and other social media about the whole “New Year, New Me” thing. Honestly, I have mixed emotions about that. On one side of the argument, I believe a new year is actually a good time to make a change. It doesn’t have to be anything major, it can be anything. If you change a single thing in your daily routine and stick to the change, you’ve gotten much further than most people ever do or will at doing this. On the other side, it irritates me to see those people who claim they will make this change, typically one that is much more drastic than necessary to get some attention, and stick to it for 5 days or whatever.

Excuse me for my rant, but I state this with reasoning. For me, this is something I am being forced to do. This is the first year that I am living completely alone, in a town I moved to while doing both work and school full time. I came here with a someone who was important to me and to say the least, things turned out for the worse and I’m on my own in this adventure now. That is a story I’ll save for another day. But this year, I have to commit to a lot just to make it by and it will be hard, but I think it will make a stronger, better version of me in the end. I can handle the money situation,  I am getting better about dealing with my stress and am finally learning to prioritize my life a bit more orderly. The part I struggle to excel at is the ability to keep myself happy. I can honestly say that I find myself being at my happiest, when I know I am making a friend or loved one of any sort or even an acquaintance, smile or feel any form of relief. I have always lived my life with the idea that I enjoy to make others smile or feel good. I feel joy when I bring others joy. It’s nice to feel helpful. I had spent over 4 years of my life emotionally attached to an individual and can honestly say that adapting to not having that in my life is the most difficult thing I have ever come to do. I have had friends and family here to support me the whole way and without them, I would truly be lost. I have found myself thriving off of the company of music and writing, almost every day.

Music has always played a huge role in my life and nothing will ever change that. In emotional times, it only amplifies the effect it plays on me. I am a lover of all things music, so long as it is not this new pop country stuff that is all over the radio these last couple years. I prioritize my love for heavy metal above all, but I truly do listen to anything and am open to all recommendations of music. I am always down for a little electronic music, violin, and even rap on my odd days. I appreciate music for the sound, the lyrics and the message. As for writing, it has always been a hobby of mine that I have loved. I use it to pour my emotions out on paper. I have written journals, poems, lyrics and so much more over the years. Lost a ton, saved a ton, shared some and even have stuff some people never know or will know I have written. Once I start pouring out my mind, if the day and mood is just right, it is like I could type or write out how I feel in far more detail that I could ever say verbally. Speaking of which, I apologize for the novel I have left you to read to this point. This is the sign that I should finish off this post.

From here on out, I will try and keep these posts less about my life directly and more about my mind. I feel as though it is important to let my readers know a bit about me before they start taking in the madness that flows through this head on a typical day. My point to all of this is that chane is good. It may not always be a change you want to make or need to make, but if you are going to make any change in your life, make sure you focus on how it benefits you and will create you a strong version of who you are. The road won’t always be smooth, but so long as you don’t tell yourself you can’t do it, you can. Good night to all. Enjoy the rest of the weekend and stay safe if you are going out.